Yes, I been working hard. I’ve been content. However, I’m not getting younger. As I sit here on vacation up at the beach, I realize that fitness makes me the most content and grounded. See, for the last 6 years, on and off, I’ve been working out to feel good. I’ve been working out to look good and feel comfortable around people. Apparently, it’s not working.
It seems I work out to feel good when I go out and party the once a month or so I do. It’s just not working anymore. I hate leaning on booze to be around people. Am k done? I don’t know. I wouldn’t say it’s an issue on the outside, but it consumes me inside. I’ll work out for stretches, then ruin it by drinking, start over and repeat. Work hard, play hard…. Right? That’s all I tell myself.
It’s not working anymore. From now on, it’s work hard, work harder and feel feelings. It’s be myself and be comfortable with that. I may drink again, but I don’t want to rely on it anymore to have fun. When I get home, it’s go time. In order to shake this addiction, I will immerse myself in fitness. I need a rush. Fitness is a rush. Bettering myself is a rush. It’s a vice. I have several vices and I need to eliminate some of the ones that are bringing me down. I can’t say I’m done. However, I can say I’m done doing it solely for the purpose of “work hard, play hard”.
It’s time to get where I want without distractions and build a strong mind. My own mind. I am ready for that.
It’s not enough anymore to do the minimum that I enjoy doing. I need to push out of my comfort zone and stop living with chaos in my head. I’ve done a lot, so I can do this. I will dk this. My mind is strong.
Quiet Desperation 