Running Out of Gas😞

Let’s try this one last time.

I just erased a 7 post blog explaining how I lost 20 lbs because I went back off track and “recreational” use of cigarettes turned into yet another full blown addiction. If you know you know. I never talk about it, it’s embarrassing, but it’s so hard to stop. So I ate a ton for a weekend to make the pain go away while quitting. Then I started again. It’s a unique torture, as it absolutely sucks to smoke and sucks to not smoke. Like most addictions, you chase something that ruins you when you get it. Either way ot sucks.

The only way out is to go through hell for a good week or two and not give in. I’ve done it before and it’s possible, albeit very very hard. Much easier to quit abs just throw on 25 lbs eating 😞.

I’m constantly tired. I lack the confidence to go out with friends. I don’t even have the desire to go out masked without alcohol anymore. I can’t live like this. It’s my own prison in my head. Just me. Always.

I’m stuck. Two steps forward, 2 back. And on and on and on. Story of most of my life and, once again, the last month.

I’m sick of starting over. I’m sick of hating myself. I’m sick of being afraid to leave my house and talk to others because I feel like shit. Basically, I’m sick of failing. Over and over and over.

The only thing I know is I didn’t fail physically for a few years, from 2016-2018. I went to the gym every day, ate perfect, lived clean and felt physically amazing. Yet the rest of my life sucked. I had just got out of a relationship that really hurt me and had me moving back home for a time. I lost the job I loved with friends I loved only to end up working at a supermarket. Every day I went in I felt like such a failure, BUT physically I was a machine.

Now I have my own place, a good job, the same job I left, with good pay, and a new purpose in my life, acquiring my own gym.

All this being said, I’ve struggled HARD to get the feeling of content back. I NEED to find a routine. Through my shit blood work from smoking, to actually still smoking on and off, to letting everything and everyone get in my way of where I need to be, I need to come out the other side.

So here are the goals, once and for all.

245-200 by September 1st

Boxing gym 3x a week

Gym 5x a week

Keto diet

Fasting 1-2 meals a day depending on boxing

Cold showers

Become financially responsible.

If I do this, life will come together. I will get what I want. If not, I will be miserable. 😞. My choice.

Edit: I failed. I couldn’t stop smoking. I couldn’t get my shit together. I just didn’t see the urgency. 😞